Letting go of a deep female friendship that was no longer working for me (us?) is something I've experienced many times as me/my life has changed, and I've tried to hold onto friendships that 'worked' for 'earlier versions' of myself...
The grief of broken connections and friendships we've outgrown is real, and each one in my life has wounded me. All of them have grown 'scabs', and a few of them have healed fully. All of those losses have profoundly changed me.
Thank you, Ali for writing about this so poignantly. The grief of lost friendships is another disenfranchised loss that our society fails to acknowledge.
Oh Jody, I'm sorry you have also been through many similar experiences. As you say, it is so disenfranchised. There are many songs about the heart break of losing a lover. And I feel societally if we split up from a partner, even if we have only been with them for a short time, the grief is acknowledged. But breaking up from a friend is silenced. There's very little said on it. And yet for me, the experiences of this, have caused me the greatest hearts. Far more so that splitting up with boyfriends.
I so appreciate you writing about this - it feels like the much-needed breaking of another societal taboo to admit that you grieve over a lost friendship. My closest friend and I fell apart during the pandemic for reasons that are still not entirely clear to me and it's been one of the most wounding losses of my life, but it also feels like something that can't be openly talked about or is seen as a failure by others externally. So thank you for sharing this.
Oh Rosalyn, I’m so sorry! It’s hard isn’t it. And it feels shameful when we lose friends. It feels like we have done something wrong. Whether we are the one to walk away, or them, or there is just a mutual drifting. Whatever the circumstances their grief, there’s confusion, there’s hurt, there’s shame, there’s what ifs, there’s a whole changed future. There’s difficulties with mutual friends… Friendship has been on of the key strands of my life for the last 5 years. I’ve lost several, all with stories to tell. And I’ve also deepened others. I do feel the friends I have in my life now are solid. Honest and authentic. But they have taken intentional cultivation. I hope you are okay as I really do understand the difficulties of friendship loss and/or change.
Thank you Steve. Friendship is so important to me. I appreciate we change, people change and sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is untangle. But there's a grief there. It's a real loss.
I have experienced a few situations like this. What stood out to me is how things change when we get into therapy and really start doing the work. Wow, it is eye-opening and can create major shifts like this one.
I'm with you. If it wasn't for therapy I wouldn't have had the courage to walk away. I didn't think I was allowed to. I think my friendship patterns resembled the pattern I was put in as the scapegoat child to a narcissistic father. Perhaps you see the similar in your own experiences?
I had a similar situation myself a few years ago, so I understand how you feel. I felt such relief when the friendship ended. Well done you! You’ve got more time and head space now to focus on people who really value you and the friendship you give. Just because they are people who we’ve known for a long time, it doesn’t give them the right to behave that way.
Thank you so much for writing about this. I think there should be friend therapy just like couple therapy. Often friendships last longer than couples but can be just as , if not more, complex. There’s also another complexity when you’re in a tight friendship group and you fall out with one of those friends who used to be your best friend. It’s like a divorce and can tear at other close friendships as well. How do you negotiate mutual celebrations , events etc. who gets invited and who doesn’t. How do other friends relate to you or the other person . I’m experiencing this at the moment and it’s not easy or fun.
Oh Tara, I’m so sorry. You are absolutely right. I agree with everything you have said. I have ended up disappearing from a few people due to my untangling of this friendship. But that said, I’ve not heard from them either. It’s sad. I don’t want to involve other people. I feel like I’m maybe being judged. I don’t know. Is there a way you could ask your friend if they will join you in some counselling? If not to save the friendship, but to figure out navigating your future encounters with grace and ease?
..."i miss you, I feel liberated" I am familiar with that juxtaposition, it's like two magnets facing one another.
When we are younger, we start friendships thinking they will be forever, but as we get older we realise that everyone changes and like our past love relationships, not everything lasts.
If we haven't spoken in over a year - is the friendship actually over or have we just taken different lanes? Do we need to explain why we don't want to be friends anymore or is letting it drift ok? Not sure that it is but sometimes its difficult to explain as the reasons can be so nuanced.
I could read endlessly about friendships. I spend so much time thinking about and talking about them. I have both ended friendships, and been on the receiving end of a call or text that was never returned. Both are so incredibly painful. They are also, as you beautiful wrote- liberation and self-reclamation. It was nice to read about the perspective of the person who didn’t answer the last text. I’ve more so been on the other end. And recently, ended a friendship by telling the other person I needed it to end. Silence is brutal, no matter which end you are on. So is continuing a relationship that isn’t right anymore. Thanks for sharing.
Letting go of a deep female friendship that was no longer working for me (us?) is something I've experienced many times as me/my life has changed, and I've tried to hold onto friendships that 'worked' for 'earlier versions' of myself...
The grief of broken connections and friendships we've outgrown is real, and each one in my life has wounded me. All of them have grown 'scabs', and a few of them have healed fully. All of those losses have profoundly changed me.
Thank you, Ali for writing about this so poignantly. The grief of lost friendships is another disenfranchised loss that our society fails to acknowledge.
Oh Jody, I'm sorry you have also been through many similar experiences. As you say, it is so disenfranchised. There are many songs about the heart break of losing a lover. And I feel societally if we split up from a partner, even if we have only been with them for a short time, the grief is acknowledged. But breaking up from a friend is silenced. There's very little said on it. And yet for me, the experiences of this, have caused me the greatest hearts. Far more so that splitting up with boyfriends.
I so appreciate you writing about this - it feels like the much-needed breaking of another societal taboo to admit that you grieve over a lost friendship. My closest friend and I fell apart during the pandemic for reasons that are still not entirely clear to me and it's been one of the most wounding losses of my life, but it also feels like something that can't be openly talked about or is seen as a failure by others externally. So thank you for sharing this.
Oh Rosalyn, I’m so sorry! It’s hard isn’t it. And it feels shameful when we lose friends. It feels like we have done something wrong. Whether we are the one to walk away, or them, or there is just a mutual drifting. Whatever the circumstances their grief, there’s confusion, there’s hurt, there’s shame, there’s what ifs, there’s a whole changed future. There’s difficulties with mutual friends… Friendship has been on of the key strands of my life for the last 5 years. I’ve lost several, all with stories to tell. And I’ve also deepened others. I do feel the friends I have in my life now are solid. Honest and authentic. But they have taken intentional cultivation. I hope you are okay as I really do understand the difficulties of friendship loss and/or change.
Damn, Ali, this is painful, emotional, and so damn honest. It's beautifully and reflectively written.
I know nothing of who you're writing about/to. But, I do know this, she is missing out.
Keep on keeping on, girl.
Thank you Steve. Friendship is so important to me. I appreciate we change, people change and sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is untangle. But there's a grief there. It's a real loss.
I have experienced a few situations like this. What stood out to me is how things change when we get into therapy and really start doing the work. Wow, it is eye-opening and can create major shifts like this one.
I'm with you. If it wasn't for therapy I wouldn't have had the courage to walk away. I didn't think I was allowed to. I think my friendship patterns resembled the pattern I was put in as the scapegoat child to a narcissistic father. Perhaps you see the similar in your own experiences?
I had a similar situation myself a few years ago, so I understand how you feel. I felt such relief when the friendship ended. Well done you! You’ve got more time and head space now to focus on people who really value you and the friendship you give. Just because they are people who we’ve known for a long time, it doesn’t give them the right to behave that way.
I'm sorry you have also endured this. It really is hard. But being true to ourselves and honouring our needs is the healthiest thing we can do.
Absolutely agree!
So relatable and so beautifully expressed.
Thank you Shanti, lovely to see you here :-)
Thank you so much for writing about this. I think there should be friend therapy just like couple therapy. Often friendships last longer than couples but can be just as , if not more, complex. There’s also another complexity when you’re in a tight friendship group and you fall out with one of those friends who used to be your best friend. It’s like a divorce and can tear at other close friendships as well. How do you negotiate mutual celebrations , events etc. who gets invited and who doesn’t. How do other friends relate to you or the other person . I’m experiencing this at the moment and it’s not easy or fun.
Oh Tara, I’m so sorry. You are absolutely right. I agree with everything you have said. I have ended up disappearing from a few people due to my untangling of this friendship. But that said, I’ve not heard from them either. It’s sad. I don’t want to involve other people. I feel like I’m maybe being judged. I don’t know. Is there a way you could ask your friend if they will join you in some counselling? If not to save the friendship, but to figure out navigating your future encounters with grace and ease?
We were constantly in misstep and ..was serving no one Sums it up
And moving in misstep is exhausting.
..."i miss you, I feel liberated" I am familiar with that juxtaposition, it's like two magnets facing one another.
When we are younger, we start friendships thinking they will be forever, but as we get older we realise that everyone changes and like our past love relationships, not everything lasts.
If we haven't spoken in over a year - is the friendship actually over or have we just taken different lanes? Do we need to explain why we don't want to be friends anymore or is letting it drift ok? Not sure that it is but sometimes its difficult to explain as the reasons can be so nuanced.
I could read endlessly about friendships. I spend so much time thinking about and talking about them. I have both ended friendships, and been on the receiving end of a call or text that was never returned. Both are so incredibly painful. They are also, as you beautiful wrote- liberation and self-reclamation. It was nice to read about the perspective of the person who didn’t answer the last text. I’ve more so been on the other end. And recently, ended a friendship by telling the other person I needed it to end. Silence is brutal, no matter which end you are on. So is continuing a relationship that isn’t right anymore. Thanks for sharing.