Do You Understand the Nuance Between Jealousy and Envy?

One can help guide our yearnings, the other may fuel our negative psychology

Ali Hall

Aug 13, 2023

Both jealousy and envy are normal human emotions. While we often use them interchangeably, subtle but powerful differences exist between them.

Neither are emotions we want to encourage. In fact, envy is one of the seven sins - not that I’m religious. If we are honest with ourselves, when we feel these emotions, we can use them to deepen our self-awareness and redirect our lives toward greater happiness.

I’m not afraid to tell you that I’ve been envious of some friends and jealous of others. I understand there is a certain amount of shame in admitting this, but I recognise my experiences are commonplace; we just aren’t encouraged to talk about these emotions.

I’ve learned to detect envy in others. It’s the little barbed comments that are the giveaway. Schadenfreude can also be a clear indication of envy.

Jealousy versus envy

According to an article in Very Well Mind, this is the distinction between jealousy and envy.

“Envy is a desire for something another person has, while jealousy is a feeling tied to fear of losing something that you have.”

To put this slightly differently, wanting what someone else has is envy, and jealousy is about protecting what you already have.

For example, a man may envy his neighbour’s new fancy car, and if the neighbour takes his wife for a ride in it, it may stir up feelings of jealousy.

Another interesting way of looking at it is that envy usually involves two people. The person feeling the envy and the subject of said envy. Whereas jealousy usually involves three people. The person feeling jealous, the subject of jealousy, and the object of jealousy.

A man may envy the good looks of his ex-wife’s new partner. In contrast, he may feel jealous of the new partner’s relationship with his children.

Use envy to help guide you

In an article titled Distinguishing the Experiences of Envy and Jealousy the psychologists associated envy with feelings of inferiority, longing, and resentment.

Envy is a great opportunity to listen to what our soul yearns for.

If you are envious of a friend’s wealth, maybe money is more important to you than you realise, in which case you can redirect your life to try and earn more. Feeling envious of another friend’s physique may help motivate you to get in shape.

Be careful that your feelings of envy don’t try and trick you. Sometimes we mask our envy with hostility. But if you stop and ask yourself the reasons for your hostility, you may find envy lurking underneath all the surface emotions.

Let envy be a lesson for you; use it to redirect your life.

Jealousy can be more detrimental than envy

Jealousy is linked to feelings of betrayal, anger, and rage. We may feel jealous of a close relationship between our partner and their work colleague. Or we might notice someone else flirting with our partner at a party and immediately be struck with a case of the green-eyed monster.

Jealousy is a significant factor in domestic abuse.

When we feel jealous, we feel threatened that something that is ours may be taken away. Jealousy can cause us to behave in uncharacteristic and often irrational ways.

Open and honest communication can help quell our jealousy. Own your jealousy. If you feel jealous of someone close to your partner, speak to your partner about this. Tell them your concerns and insecurities. A partner who truly loves you and wants the best for you will listen to you, relay your fears, and be more mindful in the future.

Deep jealousy may require therapy to short-circuit the potential damage it can cause.

Think of the mother who is viscerally jealous of a new stepmother of her children. The mother fears the new woman will take her children from her. These feelings are commonplace during separations. The worry is that if this jealousy is not controlled, it can harm everyone involved, including the children, and may even push them away.

So remember, envy is when we want what someone else has, and jealousy arises when we feel threatened that we may lose something we already have.

How do you deal with envy and jealousy? I’d love to hear your input in the comments.