Does Brené Brown's Empathy Example Explain Why Everybody's Talking and No One Is Listening?
We can learn to be more empathetic and build stronger heart connections
Empathy is central to our ability to build heart connections. The first obstacle many people face is assuming everyone thinks and feels similar to them. When we view others through our own filter, we immediately disregard their individuality.
Brené Brown differentiates between empathy and sympathy by saying empathy fuels connection and sympathy drives disconnection.
Sympathy is recognising someone’s feelings in a “that sucks for you” sort of way, but empathy goes beyond this. As Brené Brown says, “Empathy is feeling with people.”
Empathy does not compete, undermine or draw silver linings around difficult situations. There is no toxic positivity with genuine empathy.
“Rarely, if ever does an empathic response begin with at least…” - Brené Brown
When my dog passed away, several people said, “At least you have another one!” As if having a second dog somehow nullified my grief. During a difficult period of moving house and country and struggling to integrate into a community, a couple of friends said, “At least you have your partner.”
This blatant lack of empathy meant I didn’t feel seen or validated in both of these situations.
Empathy is composed of four elements
Empathy is integral to our ability to listen. When we communicate empathetically, we don’t try to change a person’s feelings; rather, we accept them, validate them and sit beside them.
Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, developed four elements of empathy.
Perspective taking
The first element of empathy requires us to remove our own filters and view the situation from the perspective of the one affected by the experience. We often look at the world through our own lens and forget to account for individual differences. How we would react ourselves in a similar situation bears no relevance, we must be careful of anchoring to our own perspective.
When I turned 40, a close friend queried how I felt. I believe aging is a privilege, and I have no qualms with getting older. Instead of accepting my response as being my truth, my friend challenged me with comments such as, “Ahhh, you say that, but give it a few days, and then you will panic.” I would have felt must more connected to her if she had just accepted my position.
Beware of the tendency to project your own feelings onto others.
Stay out of judgment
Judgment is difficult to shake, but we can’t be empathetic and judgemental. To show authentic empathy, we must learn to suspend all judgment.
A colleague judged my devastation as “ridiculous” following the passing of my dog. He couldn’t hide his disdain for my suffering, and his response to the darkest time of my life drove a wedge between us.
It is not up to us to decide whether or not someone’s behaviour is appropriate. Nothing good comes from judgment.
Identify what the person is feeling
When we identify the feelings and emotions of another person and recollect a situation when we have felt similarly, we are more inclined to respond with empathy. It isn’t important that we have shared their experience, but finding resonance in their associated feelings will help us find compassion.
My friend tragically lost both her children to unrelated terminal illnesses. I haven’t lost a child, and I am not even a mother, but that doesn’t eradicate my ability to empathise with her by identifying the gut-wrenching emotions at play.
Communicating your understanding of their emotion
This is a biggie! It is not up to us to provide solutions or try and fix the problem. But we can help the person who is suffering feel seen and heard. This then encourages them to feel valid and thus safe and relevant. By expressing an understanding of another’s emotions, we are effectively taking them by the hand and helping them feel less alone.
A friend recently separated from her husband of 10 years. In our communications, I ensure I name her feelings to help her feel validated. “You sound sad and confused; this is understandable, given what you are going through. I’m here for you.”
It’s time we start listening
Sometimes it seems like everybody is talking and no one is listening. Because to truly listen, we need to recognise and accept the feelings and emotions at stake and not use toxic positivity for our own comfort. If you can sit with another person's suffering without trying to dress it up as something else, you are ready to listen.
How do you demonstrate empathy to others? I’d love to hear your input in the comments.
Here are free links to other empathy-oriented pieces.
Why We Should Encourage Others To Talk About Their Late Loved Ones
5 Ways To Improve Your Conversation Skills And Build Deeper Connections
Why Parents Don’t Have The Monopoly On Empathy
