Gabor Maté Teaches Us How To Live a Happy Life
Is our quest for validation eroding our joy?
Many of us are living our lives all wrong.
Our priorities are upside down and inside out. We spend time on things that we think justify our existence, but when it comes down to it, do they really matter?
I’m yet to see the light, but I can attest to waking up to the unhealthy habits of my previous life. I grimace when I recall how automatic and unconscious my choices and motions were.
It all came down to one thing.
My quest for relevance and acceptance.
I thought external validation would bring me happiness. And while it may have adorned me with glimmers of joy, these were quick to fade, encouraging me back on the hamster wheel to repeatedly prove myself.
At one point, I worked over 60 hours a week as a Detective in the Police while running a small business, training for ultramarathons and meeting the needs of two high-maintenance dogs. I was lucky if I got five hours sleep each night. That’s not sustainable.
I wore “busy” as a badge of honour. I thought it was an accolade, proving my self-worth.
But all it did was keep me in a constant state of fight and flight and cause me to feel exhausted and weighed down from never feeling good enough.
I am still unravelling from my old ways. A time when I believed my worth was entwined with my productivity and my doing. I couldn’t even fathom just being. I was scared of stopping, of allowing my thoughts to seep through.
Feeling the constant need to be busy is a trauma response. Oh, the joys of being the scapegoat child of a narcissistic parent.
As I reached adulthood, I became my abuser. I continued the abuse of my narcissistic parent. And despite being an innately silly and playful person, I lost this side of me.
I forgot to play. I forgot to have fun. Too busy focused on doing than being. Yes, I was addicted to busyness.
Dr. Gabor Maté is an author and speaker who specialises in addiction and childhood trauma. His work brings science and compassion together. Perhaps his most poignant strapline is:
“Ask not why the addiction, but why the pain?”
My addiction to busyness, to doing and creating a fury of productivity, was a coping mechanism for overriding low self-esteem and a jumble of feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.
Within my core, I truly believed that if I stopped doing, I would stop being. It was as if I believed the person I recognised as me would combust in some way or another—a sure annihilation.
I’ve learned to show myself kindness through self-acceptance and self-compassion. I’ve learned that just being is enough.
This TikTok video is a snippet from an interview with Dr. Gabor Maté by Dr. Rangan Chatterjee, for the Feel Better, Live More podcast.
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I’m not surprised the video has had over two million views because Dr. Maté’s message is crucial in helping us live a life of happiness. And ultimately, isn’t happiness what we are all searching for?
In this short video, Dr. Maté tells us he wishes he hadn’t worked so hard and that by focusing on his work, he didn’t see what mattered.
“People sacrifice their playfulness, their joyfulness, being driven by unconscious needs to validate your existence. And where does that come from? Again, that comes from childhood trauma.”
Ooft. This struck me in my soul.
He went on to say
“Play is so important and joy is so important.”
As he nears 80, I think Dr. Maté knows a thing or two about life.
And he’s right. We don’t play enough. I certainly don’t play enough.
When do adults become so wooden and boring? Where does the magic of our childlike minds disappear to? Where does our joy in splashing in puddles and exploring new things go?
Perhaps we need to reframe play because I don’t see it as something that’s actively encouraged in the adult world.
There will always be those who judge and jeer others for having fun. But remember, this says more about them than it does us.
And as uncomfortable as other people’s judgements feel. I have decided not to let them dampen my spirit or ruin my fun.
It’s time we went full circle and tapped into our inner child. Life is short; we are wasting away on things that don’t matter to try and make ourselves matter.
But what really matters is that we tap into what makes us happy. Happiness looks different for each of us, and at the root of this happiness is a sense of fun and play.
In the wise words of my amazing friend Kim Downey “the best thing we can all contribute to the world is our own happiness.”
I’m that adult playing on the swings and go-karts. I will wade in the mud with a giggle and cheekily splash my husband while out kayaking because I’ve spent too much of my adult life trying to justify my existence through humdrum doing.
I’ve finally surrendered to the acceptance that I’m not for everyone, and I no longer need to justify my existence through productivity, all for external validation and recognition.
Don’t forget Dr. Maté’s words. Play and joy are crucial to our happiness.
I’m still learning, but so far, so good. I hope you can also find more fun and joy in your life.
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Ali, This is an important message for me!