Here’s Why I’ve Learned To Opt for Guilt Over Resentment

People pleasing leads to simmering anger

Jul 02, 2023

People pleasing is a difficult habit to break. Many of us who are habitual people pleasers have become so due to events in our upbringing. Being a people pleaser makes it extremely difficult to say “no” to others, even if it means we do something to our detriment.

We can’t win.

If we dare to say “no” to someone, we endure the discomfort of guilt. Yet the continuation of saying “yes” and twisting ourselves into pretzels for others, builds resentment.

We feel guilty for saying “no.” We perceive ourselves as bad and wrong for failing to put other people’s needs before our own. But by continually saying “yes” to others, we sacrifice ourselves and can end up feeling taken advantage of, which leads to complex emotions of bitterness and resentment.

Resentment arises when we feel wronged or mistreated. Guilt occurs if we feel we have done something wrong.

Making friends with guilt

In the last few years, I’ve learned to make friends with guilt. It took me a while, but with a bit of help, I recognised my inability to sit with feelings of guilt. My avoidance of experiencing guilt caused me to live a sacrificial life. I put other people’s needs before my own. But it didn’t work out particularly well; I felt frustrated and angry. I felt I was constantly giving, and my reciprocity scale was out of kilter.

I have plenty of old stories of feeling wronged by others, and these thought cycles were bubbling away in my mind.

But upon much reflection, I realised the issue lay with me. I was the one accommodating everyone else before myself. I held the power to say “yes” or “no.” I lacked authenticity by saying “yes” to things my heart screamed “no” at. As a result of trying to be nice and keep everyone happy, I became bitter and angry.

My desire to avoid guilt made me a victim! Worse still, I was becoming a martyr!

I learned to discern when I was agreeing to something simply to avoid the guilt of not doing it or when I was doing something because I wanted to do it.

If I was trying to avoid the discomfort of guilt, I forced myself to say “no” and ride the waves of guilt. Over time, these waves decreased in size, and I don’t feel that visceral discomfort of feeling like I’m bad for letting others down.

And here’s the best thing. Since I became friends with guilt, I’ve almost eradicated resentment from my life!

Bye bye resentment

Resentment is a horrible emotion. It’s negative, bitter, twisted, and maligned. Even little bouts of resentment can poison us from the inside. Resentment taints our view of the world.

Let’s face it, we all do things we don’t want to do. Sometimes we have a choice; other times, we don’t.

When we repeatedly choose to do something and then suffer resentment, we must take a long, hard look at ourselves, as we are causing this bitterness. We can try and blame other people, but ultimately we can only control our own actions.

Ask yourself how to tweak your behaviour in friendships, partnerships, family life, work-life, and your community to dispel residual resentment.

One significant way I’ve eradicated resentment is by letting expired friendships evaporate. My propensity to give held me captive in “friendships” that lacked reciprocity. When we feel we are constantly giving to another person, doing all the running and maintenance of the relationship, it can build resentment. But remember, we are the ones putting ourselves in this position.

When we learn to say “no,” some people drift away. This transition can be tough, but our health and well-being will benefit in the long run.

How do guilt and resentment affect you? I’d love to hear your input in the comments.