It's Time Society Addressed the Pervasive Shame of Estrangement

Estrangement is more common than you think

Apr 30, 2023

group of people standing on green grass field during daytime — Photo by CDC on Unsplash

People say blood is thicker than water, but the funny thing is this sentence has a very different meaning from how it is used in conversation. The full saying is:

“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”

Some covenants of the ancient world used blood to connect two people who weren’t already related. Blood-sharing ceremonies involved people who were seeking to connect. They cut their hands and then shook hands with each other, merging their blood together.

So you see, the true meaning of the saying “blood is thicker than water” is actually that chosen bonds are stronger than family bonds.

Truth be told, we all develop our relationships according to our individual circumstances and experiences. You may have a close relationship with your family of origin, and that’s great; not everyone does, and there should be no shame in that.

I don’t believe our families of origin are necessarily more important than our chosen families - the people we choose to build close relationships with.

I want to challenge the assumption that family ties are the most important of all relationships. Only once we erase the pedaled discourse of family superiority can we reject any shame associated with our estrangement from a family member. This conversation lends itself to relationship anarchy, which we will discuss in greater detail another time.

Societal pressure

Society dictates who we are allowed to develop close relationships with, and any deviations from this trigger motions of shame.

For instance, there are weighty expectations that we will spend Christmas and other such holidays with our family of origin. And if we don’t? We may be met with comments from colleagues, friends, and even strangers such as “But it’s Christmas, you should be visiting [insert family member here].”

People who spend significant dates with friends over and above their family and wrongly considered peculiar and faulty.

We are corralled into a hierarchical system of connectivity that is acceptable by our culture. This plays out in tax systems through to employment law. For instance, consider the standard terms of compassionate leave. This special leave for bereavement is restricted to “close family,” further dictating who you are permitted to grieve for and negating to recognise the bonds of chosen family.

Shed the shame

With the pressure and expectation around family built into our culture, government systems and laws, and enshrined within our standard operating procedures of being human, it is no wonder that the claws of shame dig in deep wherever there is estrangement.

Estrangement is often misunderstood and misrepresented. It takes enormous strength, deep soul searching, and often a lot of therapy to decide to cut a family member out of your life.

Here are three things you probably didn’t know about estrangement.

1 in 5 families in the UK are affected by estrangement.
Almost a third of people know someone who is openly estranged from a family member.
Estrangements don’t always last forever; on average, they last for nine years.

The causes of estrangements are often around irreconcilable differences. A staggering 17% of young people are estranged from a parent, most likely to be the father. This is commonly down to parents not approving of their grown child’s political or religious alliance, sexual orientation or identity, or choice of spouse.

Psychology Today lists some of the most common causes of estrangement.

Abuse.
Neglect.
Betrayal.
Bullying.
Unaddressed mental illness.
A lack of support.
Substance abuse.
Destructive behaviour.

It takes enormous courage to step away from a toxic or hostile family member. But once you realise how common estrangement actually is and acknowledge that we are still a long way off from eradicating the stigma of estrangement, hopefully, you will feel a little less alone and more empowered to do whatever is right for you.

Choosing to step away from a family member is not a decision that is made lightly. In fact, quite the opposite, it has usually been agonised over for a significant length of time.

I’m currently estranged from one family member and on the verge of being estranged from another. It’s not easy, but this is the most definitive act of self-love I have had the strength to gift myself.

You’ve got this

Estrangement is stigmatized and draws associated shame. It is still pushed underground and rendered an almost taboo topic, meaning those affected by it feel a gnawing sense that they have failed or done something wrong.

In reality, estrangement is very normal. But until we rearrange the mainstream discourse, we will forever internalize an associated sense of being deeply flawed.

If you are struggling with estrangement or want to find a way to cut ties with a family member, you may benefit from talking with a therapist or reading up online.

The most important thing is that you trust yourself in this process; sometimes estrangement is the only way to live a happy and healthy life, and remember - it doesn’t have to be permanent.

If you have experience with estrangement and have advice for others, please share your thoughts in the comments section.