The Lesser Known F in the Fight, Flight, and Freeze Threat Response

The fourth F may be the one you relate to the most

May 03, 2023

Did you know there are actually four recognised responses to danger? I’ve only recently encountered the term “fawning,” which I relate to deeply. I feel like I’m the last to know, but I want to share some of my learnings about this stress response.

Let me ask you some questions. Do you ever feel like you are responsible for the emotions of other people? Do you have a tendency to put others before yourself? Do you struggle to say no and try to be as helpful and amenable as possible?

If you answered “yes” to all or most of the above questions, you may be susceptible to fawning.

Fawning is an automatic response to perceived danger. Its intended tactic is to alleviate a stressful situation; think of it as a conflict resolution strategy.

You will likely know about the fight or flight response. Some of you may also understand that freezing is also a stress response.

Our stress responses are automatic, meaning we don’t have any control over how we respond to stressful situations. However, we can learn how we perceive our world and recategorise what we label as a threat.

Today’s Abornally Normal newsletter will discuss fawning as a stress response. We will look at a few ways in which fawning is detrimental to physical and mental health, and we will explore ways to recover from this automatic stress response.

The four stress responses

As an example, let’s consider the situation of someone being mugged in the street. Victims of violent attacks respond to situations differently. Some may fight, others might run away, and some may freeze. Fawning is a fourth response that is lesser known.

This article on WebMD provides coherent distinctions between the four responses.

Fight - “When your body feels that it is in danger and believes you can overpower the threat, you’ll respond in fight mode. Your brain releases signals to your body, preparing it for the physical demands of fighting.”

Flight - “If your body believes you cannot overcome the danger but can avoid it by running away, you’ll respond in flight mode. A surge of hormones, like adrenaline, give your body the stamina to run from danger longer than you typically could.”

Freeze - “This stress response causes you to feel stuck in place. This response happens when your body doesn’t think you can fight or flight.”

Fawn - “This response is used after an unsuccessful fight, flight, or freeze attempt. The fawn response occurs primarily in people who grew up in abusive families or situations.”

Fawning as a stress response

Fawning is similar to people-pleasing but has its roots in stress or trauma. It is particularly prevalent in abusive situations. Those who are susceptible to fawning often continue in their pattern of fawning behaviour, even when they are safe from their abuser.

Apparently, people who grew up with narcissistic parents are most likely to adopt this type of stress response. You are also likely to experience fawning if you experienced any childhood emotional or physical neglect or abuse.

As someone with a narcissistic parent, this makes sense to me. As a child, there were fewer bouts of shouting, shaming, or displays of disappointment if I shrunk myself and appeased the narcissist's demands. Keeping him happy was essential in preventing danger.

People who fawn are easily manipulated, vulnerable to narcissists, overly agreeable, and preoccupied with the happiness of others over themselves. They are the ones who get treated like shit by others and still show up and try and make them happy.

As perhaps expected, fawners will likely suffer from low self-esteem and confidence. They may also experience ongoing elevated heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormone levels. When these metrics don’t return to the base level, it can lead to other illnesses and diseases.

This helpful article titled Fawning As A Response suggests 6 primary symptoms of fawning, which can be harmful.

Ignoring your own needs to see to the needs of others.
Not feeling seen or heard by others.
Inability to say “no.”
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
Struggling to voice your values and speak up.
Lack of boundaries.

Recovering from fawning

Our four stress responses are a reactionary solution to an environmental stressor. But sometimes, we may find ourselves getting stuck in a response situation. For instance, those with anxiety disorder may feel in a constant state of high alert, stuck in a sense of dread, and feeling threatened by nonthreatening stressors.

Healthline recommends methods for calming our automatic nervous system when we feel stuck in a stress response; their recommendations include the use of

Exercise.
Relationation techniques.
Social support.

These methods may help with your fawning, but a few other tools are also essential to help you recover from fawning

Learning the power of saying “no.”
Erecting healthy boundaries in personal relationships.
Practicing self-love and attune to yourself.
Working with a therapist to find the root cause of your fawning.

Believe me; it’s incredible what happens when we start to work on our healing. I feel like a different version of myself from the person I was a few years ago.

Break your fawning cycles and empower yourself

I’m taking my time putting together the pieces of my jigsaw of life. Recognising my fawning and its links with narcissistic parenting is like finding the corner pieces of my jigsaw.

While I’m not a fan of labels, they help us identify the peculiarities we resonate with. See it, name it, deal with it. This helps us dismantle our unhealthy neural pathways and rebuild ourselves into healthier and happier individuals.

You deserve more than living a life to keep others happy. You owe it to yourself to have your voice heard, feel seen, and put yourself first.

Have you ever heard of fawning before? Do you recognise yourself in its symptoms? I’d love to hear your input in the comments.