The Link Between Our Urge for Relevance and Not Feeling Real
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The Link Between Our Urge for Relevance and Not Feeling Real
It's not just survivors of narcissistic parents who experience this
According to Jay Reid, the author of “Growing Up As The Scapegoat To Narcissistic Parents,” many people raised as the scapegoat child of a narcissistic parent struggle to feel that they themselves are real. They experience a disconnect from the world around them—a deep friction of not belonging.
I understand these feelings and think many Abnormally Normal readers also do. Being the scapegoat child of a narcissistic parent isn’t the only path to questioning our place in the world.
We seek relevance to prove to ourselves that we are real.
It’s not glory or boosted egos that we desire; we just want to be recognised as valid. We want to be seen as a person in our own right, not a mere extension of a parent. Our quest for relevance is a means to disprove our ingrained internal belief system, which continually whispers of our irrelevance and fuels our displacement in this world.
I sought recognition in the wrong places
Children raised in healthy households are praised and encouraged for their endeavors. They may not do things perfectly, but they are spurred on by the positive reinforcement they experience.
Whereas children raised in not-so-healthy households may not receive much praise. Their efforts may be met with disinterest, scorn, or criticism. This reaction is demeaning and diminishing! It leaves us feeling small and inconspicuous.
When I reflect on my past, I recognise my desire for recognition, to feel real and valid, spilled into all areas of my life. I endured the bullying ways of a toxic personal trainer for too long. I’m embarrassed to admit I desperately wanted him to praise my fitness and running achievements. His praise never came, I felt crap, and still, I showed up at his classes, hoping he would validate me with some positive words. His old-school ways broke more spirits than they elevated. Luckily I saw the light and fled.
There’s a reason scapegoated children of narcissistic parents are likely to be hard workers and overachievers. We need recognition to feel valid. And so we work hard, give our all to personal projects, and practice our hobbies relentlessly. We harbor a fear of being average. We are like an over-enthusiastic dog, just waiting to be told how good he is!
Please know - being average is great! Statistically, most of us are average.
External validation
If you need external validation to feel real, know you are not alone. Recognising this pattern is a vital part of the healing process.
Consider how you can use this insight about yourself to help you move forward. How can you deepen your sense of belonging in this world without relying on the validation of others?
Personally, I’ve found therapy has been crucial for this. I have also benefited from meditation, yoga, and reading extensively on topics that resonate with me. By understanding what makes us tick, we learn to practice self-compassion and show kinder generosity to our spirit.
Don’t get me wrong, I still seek relevance, but my sense of identity doesn’t rely on it.
How do you find relevance in this world? I’d love to hear your input in the comments.
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Abnormally Normal is for everyone who feels like they don’t fit in.