Why Active Love and Nourishment Is Essential for Friendships To Thrive

We know the importance of quality time with romantic relationships, what about friendships?

Ali Hall

Apr 2, 2023

people standing on shore during golden hour — Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

Friendship is considered a noun. But I see it as a verb.

In fact, I see all relationships in this way. I passionately believe that what we get from our friendships directly correlates with what we put in. Science even tells us that friendships make us happier.

When we are passive in our friendships, they will likely pitter out. Yet many of us romanticise that friends are for life, forgetting to put in the work needed to make them last a lifetime.

Even biological family links can not be relied upon to remain in existence forever. Estrangements are complex, they affect a staggering one in five families in the UK, and it’s been mooted that we are facing a “silent epidemic” of family breakups.

Depending on your social web, you may have stronger ties to your chosen family than your biological family.

Either way, it’s time to take action if you seek healthier ties.

Practice romance in platonic relationships

You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to practice romance.

Do you consider yourself a romantic friend? By this, I mean, are you thoughtful? Do you listen intently and do little gestures to make your friends feel loved and valued?

“Be somebody who makes everybody feel like a somebody.” - Brad Montague

I think it’s important to be a romantic friend. And since I have identified myself as such, my connection with my best friends has felt stronger, safer, and more satisfying.

Here are some very simple ways to be a romantic friend.

Remember dates that are important to your friend, such as interviews, exams, or the anniversary of the passing of a late loved one.
If something reminds you of them, message them and tell them.
Cook them dinner or bake them a cake just because.
Boost their self-esteem, compliment them, and tell them what you love about them.
Be there to celebrate their wins and commiserate with any losses.

There are many other ways to be a romantic friend; what do you do?

Give your time to those you cherish

We all know of the importance of quality time with those we are romantically involved with. Yet we sometimes forget how crucial this is in our friendships.

In Wednesday’s piece titled Is Loneliness One of the Greatest Killers of Our Time? We looked at the amount of time it takes to develop connections.

As a reminder, it takes 30 hours of spending time together for a casual friendship to develop. Then, it takes up to 50 hours for a friendship to occur. Moving up to a good friend at 140 hours, and best friends require 300 hours spent together before they emerge.

What about maintenance?

By this, I mean we can't just press cruise control once we have achieved best friend status and expect the relationship to continue flourishing.

In my view, when friendships tip over into the realm of solely talking about the past and not building any new memories together, they need action. Otherwise, they may be on their way out.

TASK: Think about all the different friendships in your life. Are there any strands of commonality between those you have lost or feel distant from and those you feel are thriving?

I suspect time is going to play a crucial role here.

We feel valued by those who give us their time, and when we give others our time, we send out the message that they are important to us.

I appreciate you may not be able to do the weekly lazy Sunday morning brunches you did with your university friends for either geographical or situational reasons. But you can still make a concerted effort by phoning or texting and arranging to see them whenever possible.

Life is hectic for everyone.

Avoid falling into the “I’ve been too busy” rhetoric. This merely tells others that they are not important enough for you to prioritise a fraction of your time (you can send a text message while sitting on the toilet!).

It’s no coincidence that the friendships I’ve allowed to slip away are the ones that continually felt like I was the only one investing any time and effort.

The vicious cycle of life

I find it worrying to see that studies comparing 1990 and 2021 figures show that our number of close friends has generally been on a decline.

As we age, we frequently lose touch with friends, for various reasons, and often struggle to make new friends. And yet the ironic thing is that one of the top five regrets of the dying is “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

We mindlessly allow our friendships to evaporate by not investing time in them. And yet, according to this article, the quality of our friendships predicts our level of happiness.

Nourish your friendships and watch them thrive

So please invest in your friendships for the sake of your health, well-being, and happiness!

Don’t just stay in touch. Go and create new memories together. Be actively involved in each other’s lives. Laugh and cry together, try out new hobbies together, and be open and vulnerable together!

How do you ensure your friendships thrive? I’d love to hear your input in the comments.