Absolutes Can Diminish Our Souls and Leave Us Feeling Broken
To prevent this, don't push opinions as facts
Whoever it was who said words would never hurt us in that sticks and stones rhyme is a sociopath!
Words matter. How we select language to construct the messages we put out into the world is crucial. It’s not just about semantics. Do you want your words to invite others into a feeling of being seen and understood, to build connection and cohesion, and to resemble a hug? Or do you intend to build division and leave others feeling inadequate, infantilised, and like they don’t fit in?
Truthfully, I don’t think many people comprehend the power of their words. Nor do I think they realise how their presenting opinions as facts can impact others. We see sweeping statements all over social media. Generalised claims are pedaled as standalone truths; complete, conclusive, and decisive. These are different from the splatterings of hyperbole out there.
This week alone, I’ve heard and read a selection of these types of comments.
All it takes to repair these comments is for us to add ourselves as the protagonist to our claims. For instance, the person who said “people who don’t drink aren’t trustworthy” as if it is a universal fact only needed to add “I think” at the start of their sentence.
We are all entitled to our opinions, which can encourage healthy conversation and discussion. But when something is worded as a fact, it feels like the draw bridge is already up, and there is no room for discussion. It can also hurt others!
I recently caught sight of a post on social media that left me feeling pretty shitty. A slight wording change could have prevented a wound from opening up in my soul. I want to share this experience with you to help explain the weight of our words.
Personalize your words
People with blonde hair are much more attractive than people with brunette hair.
What do you think about that sentence? If you are blonde, you likely feel pretty good about yourself. If you are a brunette, you may feel slightly affronted.
Does it sound different from this:
I think people with blonde hair are much more attractive than people with brunette hair.
Can you see the difference? The brunettes reading this may feel slightly less offended as I have outlined this as my opinion. I am just one person; I don’t speak for the world. We are all allowed opinions, but when we try to claim our opinions or lived experiences as universal facts, that’s where we can get into trouble.
(For what it’s worth, I don’t prefer any particular hair colour. Beauty is as individual as the person exuding it.)
The offending social media post
So here’s the crux.
I was mindlessly scrolling (something I really need to do less of) and came upon a post on social media. A cute picture of two children fast asleep with the caption, “Siblings always have your back.”
Let’s just say my sibling dynamics are tinged with estrangement and difficulties. My siblings most definitely do not have my back, and sadly, we do not have the relationship for me to have their back, with the exception of maybe one of my siblings.
The wording of this post induced a sense of shame and failure. It made me feel inferior and broken. I know I know, the post wasn’t about me. But this is the power of words that I was telling you about. These words are full of love, yet they pick at the scabs of all of us with difficult sibling relationships. If she had worded it slightly differently, I wouldn’t have felt quite so defunct.
“These siblings always have each other’s backs.”
Yes, I am sensitive because it’s an area of deep hurt for me. But I also believe that if the wording had been different, it wouldn’t have felt like a knife to my heart. I know the person who posted these words is close to her own siblings. I understand and appreciate that she values sibling relationships. This doesn’t mean I don’t, but it’s complex. I read her words and wondered what was wrong with me. If siblings always have each other’s backs, why don’t my siblings have my back?
But the truth is, nothing is wrong with me. And if you have a difficult relationship with any of your siblings, please know you are not alone. The post was incorrectly worded as a universal truth. According to this study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 1 in 4 of us experience sibling estrangement. It’s not easy, I know, but it’s more common than you may have thought.
Be gentle with your words
Before we project out what we think is a profound factual statement, it is worth exploring whether it is a universal truth or simply our lived experience and opinion. Might others feel diminished by our words? How can we choose words to effectively portray our emotions without inadvertently hurting someone else?
Like I said at the start, words matter. They can build cohesion or fuel disconnection. And we hold the power to influence what way the pendulum swings.
Has someone else’s words ever left you feeling isolated and broken? I’d love to hear your input in the comments.
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Ali words do indeed matter. As a teacher and leader of teachers I have talked about this impacting children’s lives. I recall an art teacher looking at a students piece of work and saying “not bad”. What was meant as a compliment devastated the child. Susan Scott, an author, once wrote “the conversation is the relationship”. I would add and the words are the conversation.
Thank you for this article.
Hi, Ali. So true that words affect us. What's even more unacceptable is when you start to bring your opinion forward, they, on the other side, will defend their judgment as if their life and everyone's life depend on their perspective. Hah. People! 🌟