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Curiosity Can Help Pull a Wave of Connection Between You

Enhance your communication skills and deepen your relationships

Ali Hall

May 31, 2023

I strive to be both interesting and interested.

You could be the most interesting person on the planet, but if you aren’t interested in others, you will lack the ability to connect.

There’s a difference between prying into something that is none of our business and showing an interest in others through curiosity.

Communication is a dance; not everyone knows the steps to.

If you aren’t already aware of the push and pull methods of communication, I urge you to read May Pang’s compelling piece explaining the difference between the two.

Are you a pusher or a puller

People who adopt a pushing style of communication push themselves onto others. They have no talk time awareness and are quick to brag about their achievements, earnings, status, and who they know.

Someone in my immediate family is a pusher; conversations with him are exhausting.

Here’s a piece of dialogue with a pusher.

Me: “We went away for the weekend for the first time since COVD-19, it was nice to be away.”
Him: “Yes, my wife and I also went away, we went to…

And that was it; he was off all about what he did at the weekend. No follow-up questions for where I went, what I did, how long I was away for, where I stayed … you know, all the standard sort of questions you could ask someone who says they have been away.

How do you think I felt in this situation? I’ll give you a clue, I didn’t feel he was interested in me, I didn’t feel seen or heard, and I certainly didn’t feel close to him.

On the other side of the coin, people who use the pulling communication method, pull others into the conversation. They have a wonderful way of extracting information that helps us feel relevant and valid.

If the person in the example above were a puller, he would have replied with follow-up questions to what I had said; he could have mentioned he had also been away but in a manner that built connection and resonance and did not direct the spotlight onto himself.

“Oh, fabulous, I’d love to hear all about it, we’ve recently been away too and I don’t know about you, but I feel so refreshed.”

This is an open invitation for the other person to share more information about what they did. More questions and queries can arise from there, weaving a tapestry of connection.

The vicious cycle of pushers

I have a theory that I’ve seen confirmed by several pushers.

Ironically pushers crave connection, perhaps more than others. But they think they get this through admiration. They go out into the world and push themselves onto anyone who will listen, hoping to be revered and inflate their status. When the elusive connection doesn’t happen, they push harder. They keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

When I told the same person I used in the example above that I had handed my notice in to end my 17-year career, how do you think he replied? What would you have said to someone who told you this?

The pusher said nothing! No comment whatsoever; instead, he changed the conversation to him like a words association game such as mallets mallet.

There are only so many times we can challenge someone for showing a complete lack of interest in us. If nothing changes, we may have to take a backseat and fade ourselves away.

If only pushers could learn to share the conversation, they would experience the joy of others being genuinely interested in them, being asked questions, and being pulled into the conversation. They would gain the connection that they so desperately long for.

Curiosity is a powerful pull

Before I distance myself from pushers, I take 2 approaches.

If our relationship is conducive to it, I may openly share with them how it feels to be on the receiving end of them, with their pusher communication style. I also try to treat them as I would a puller. By this, I mean I try to find a loose thread of the human angle of their brag and pull at it.

If a pusher is lauding about a new car, how much it costs, and how fast it can go. I may ask them questions about how the car makes them feel or what attracted them to the car in the first place. I avoid questions that derive superficial answers.

Sometimes this can help reel a pusher into a two-way conversation. But there is a real danger that all it does is continue to massage their ego and encourage them to push.

If neither of my attempts works, I erect a boundary and guard my time and energy from their claws.

If you are a pusher, remind yourself to take a pause in the conversation. Stop talking and say, “anyway, enough about me, tell me about yourself.” and remember to ask follow-up questions. It’s all good and well asking an initial question, but your efforts are pointless if you immediately hijack the conversation back to you.

There are also the sitters

Pushers push themselves onto us; pullers pull us into connection. But some people are neither. There are those who I refer to as sitters. They are not interested in what you have to say, nor are they forthcoming with anything interesting. Quite frankly, they don’t add anything to a conversation.

Sitters can be hard work. They stifle conversation. In fact, sitters are probably the best target for pushers. An ex-friend is a classic sitter.

Me: “So, I’m moving to Ireland.”
Her: “Oh right.”
TUMBLEWEED

If I were a pusher, I could have carried on sprouting all about my imminent move. But my sitter friend showed no interest, and so I picked up on her cues and said nothing.

She didn’t even ask why I was moving, where I would live, or what I would do! I tried to engage her in other topics and came upon dead end after dead end. She relied on me for the past few decades to initiate conversation and socials. That day, something switched in me, and I left her company for the final time in 25 years.

We can all be sitters sometimes; our mental health influences this. But if being a sitter is our regular state, it may account for a lack of connection in our lives.

Be curious about humanity, not the drama

It feels good when others are curious about us. We use curiosity to develop relationships and deepen friendships.

We can use curiosity to reconnect with others and show them that we care.

“Last time we spoke, you said you were struggling with your boss; how are things now?”
“Just phoning to check how your interview went today.”
“Do you still take your coffee with oat milk?”

All of these examples illustrate to the recipient that we listen to them and will make them feel seen.

Beware of gratuitously asking questions that only serve to quench your thirst for gossip.

For instance, instead of asking a bereaved friend outright how their partner/friend/pet/family member died, consider asking any of the following:

“I can’t even imagine what you are going through; how are you feeling?”
“What have the past few days been like?”
“Do you want to talk about it?”

Some situations merit fewer questions; it’s up to you to discern the difference. Trust the fact that if people want to give you gory details, they will; if not, don’t seek it unnecessarily.

What colour is your world?

A beautiful friend and I help pull each other out of our hermit shells by asking random and sometimes cryptic questions that are open to interpretation. These questions spark insightful conversations and help deepen our connection.

“What colour is your world today?”
“What animal do you relate to today?”
“What is your energy like today?”
“Is anything distracting you today?”
“Tell me what today’s anthem is?”
“What’s today’s internal weather?”

How do you build connections in your relationships? I’d love to hear your input in the comments.