Why Social Ambushing Is Offensive and May Fracture Friendships
Do you mind if a friend brings someone along to your friend date?
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You know that feeling when you read or hear something that helps you recognise you aren’t the only one? It’s deeply validating, isn’t it?
Hearing others articulate something that I thought was just a me thing is like a meditative exhale.
So here I am finding my voice about a particular social experience that I now realise is shared by many. That’s the feeling of being ambushed by an unexpected person brought along by a friend to a private meet-up or a hangout with a small group of people. Social ambushing can catch us off guard.
I love meeting new people, and I cherish my one-to-one time with friends. Both can be true. But it completely throws me if I have plans with a friend and they bring someone else along, without checking with me.
These sorts of ambushes evoke a unease in my nervous system. Maybe it’s the neurodivergence in me? I used to label these ambushes as rude and discourteous, yet still, I gaslit myself, believing I was the problem. That I was being weird, intolerant, and uptight. “Go with the flow”, I would whisper to my internal whimpers, “Be normal”.
Sometimes the social ambush would actually turn out well, and we’d all have good fun and interesting chats. Other times, the tension and discomfort in my body persisted, and I left feeling both disrespected and inadequate.
It was only when reading the book Really Good Actually by Monica Heisey that I learned that social ambushing discontent was something others experience. Monica depicts a scene in which one of her characters meets a small group of friends, only to feel discombobulated that someone new is brought along.
Make no mistake, this isn’t conflated with a stranger-danger mindset, nor does it equate to being unfriendly or hostile. I am not socially closed; quite the opposite. I’m a social aggregator. I’m skilled at intentionally connecting people to help them create meaningful friendships and romantic relationships.
But when I have expectations of being in certain people’s company — looking forward to relaxing and chatting, seeing and being seen — only to have another person added to the mix — it’s unnerving. And quite frankly, it feels offensive.
Maybe those of us who are aggrieved by this social ambushing phenomenon perceive it as a threat and go into fight, flight, flee or fawn mode?
I do think it makes a difference if those wanting to bring someone else along to a social arrangement give us the courtesy of checking if it’s okay. That said, there are those who simply give us an unnegotiable heads up, and then there are those who seek our buy-in — there’s a difference between the two.
I’ve experienced all kinds of social ambushing. They all had an impact.
One friend brought her new boyfriend along to our friend date. Yes, it was great to meet him, but if I’d known, I could have brought my boyfriend along. A heads-up would have been nice. And as all my girlies out there will testify, chats with a girlfriend are completely different to chats with a girlfriend and her boyfriend.
I know it’s not just me. Recently, someone shared with me that one of the people in her close friend group of four had tried to bring an imposter along to their traditional Christmas drinks and present exchange night. Apparently, it went down like a firework.
“Are we not enough for you?” was one of the replies. And “So is she bringing along presents too? Or is she going to sit like a gooseberry while we exchange gifts and reminisce?”
Not all social occasions are for all people.
Many years ago, when I was but a little whipper snapper in my twenties, I arranged to go for a run with a friend. Just the two of us, so we could get a good chat. She was slightly late to our meeting point, and once she reached me, she announced that one of her friends was joining us and that we would scoop her up about two miles into our run. We didn’t even get quality time during the two miles we had together, as my friend was anxious and distracted about being late and, as such, was unable to be present in our conversation.
Once we met up with the friend, I got a simple introduction, and then, because the paths were too narrow, the two of them ran side by side, and I ran behind. They chatted and laughed and ran at a pace that was just outside my comfort zone. I had to work hard to keep up and couldn’t join the conversation.
I left feeling completely demoralised. As if I’d tagged along. What was the point in my even being there? I didn’t initiate a run again with this friend, nor did she.
This is a classic case of social ambush.
A question on Quora asks if it’s rude if a friend invites her friend along to a hangout. The answer is a resounding “Yes, it’s rude” — if the friend hasn’t checked first — with the caveat being that if they check first, then it isn’t as rude, but it’s not polite.
But here’s the thing, checking first doesn’t always guarantee a positive outcome.
I had a friend check with me if one of her friends could join our friend date. Absolutely, it was good of her to ask, but there was only one right answer. The whole situation served as one of the final nails in our friendship’s coffin.
In fact, when I gave the wrong reply, which she didn’t like, she went full throttle nasty at me via message. Admonishing and accusative of my character and friendship.
You see, for a long time, I was the pliable friend. The roll over backwards friend. The “Yes, of course”, friend. Ah, people pleasing, you pesky trait.
When I started standing up for myself, pushing back, and considering my own wants and needs, some people didn’t like it. This friend didn’t like it. Truth be told, I didn’t like her friend, whom she wanted to join us. I’d met her several times, heck, I’d spent weekends away with her. I had tried, believe me, I had tried. The simple fact is that we didn’t gel, and we weren’t friends in our own right. So when asked if I would mind if she joined us, I listened to my heart and said, “Actually, I’d rather not.”
I get it. My friend’s time was short. She thought she could be time savvy by combining the two of us. But she failed to recognise that the dynamic would be different. The conversation would be different.
Sometimes two is company and three is a crowd, and this was definitely going to be one of those crowds that I didn’t want to be in. So, I said “No”, but I gave my friend grace and said I would bow out, and the two of them could get together.
Well, wasn’t I an awful person? Apparently, I was inconsiderate. Selfish even for daring to have my own needs. Those familiar feelings of being weird, intolerant, and uptight swept over me. But I stood my ground. Because time is precious and I didn’t want to spend it with someone I had come to dislike. She was not my friend, nor was she someone I could easily share oxygen with.
So yes, it was good of my “friend” to check with me first rather than ambush me. But given she didn’t leave space for an answer that she didn’t like, it didn’t end well.
Put bluntly, social ambushing is rude. It’s offensive. And it’s perfectly normal to feel aggrieved by it. Often, it’s nothing personal against the third party brought along; it’s more a sense of being disrespected and undermined by the friend who initiated the social ambushing.
Even in my close circle of friends, many of whom are friends with each other, I make a point of arranging one-to-one time. Spending one-to-one time with someone versus being in a group of three or more is a completely different dynamic,
As I said before, not all social occasions are for all people.
The point is, there is a time and a place for all kinds of social interactions. Private friend dates help deepen our connections, wider free-for-all social events help us grow our communittees and from here new friendships may develop. We can nurture all.
Are you a social ambusher or have you been socially ambushed? How did it transpire for you?
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I’d love to hear your thoughts on this article. Feel free to drop a comment and add to the conversation.
Gosh, I thought it was just me! Thanks for validating that it’s not!
Because I’m so careful about the social interactions I involve myself with, this rarely happens to me, but I absolutely loathe it.
It’s a form of being socially obtuse that some people seem to be infected with.
Their incapacity to understand social dynamics is not my problem!
And if they do make it my problem, that will be the last day we are in relationship.